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| Fuck you, 40! |
My 40th (Oh. Em. Gee.) birthday is on Friday and I'm not dealing with it very well, folks. I wanted to be a thin, sexy 40 year old woman, not a chunky monkey 40 year old woman with self-esteem issues. Where did it all go wrong? I have some thoughts on the subject that I thought I would share.
1.
I got injured and developed CRPS so exercise is almost completely out of the question. Fuck you, nerve disorder! I can blame CRPS for at least part of my fat ass can't I? I mean if I didn't have CRPS I would be able to do yoga like I used to and maybe I would be all svelt and stuff.
2. I <3 food way too much. Y'all if I could roll around in a pool filled with Key Lime Pie filling and eat my way out, I totally would. Then I'd jump into the pool filled with whipped cream. The real kind too, not that Cool Whip shit.
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| Mmmm... |
3. I'm liking this vision of a pool filled with deliciousness. Let's roll with it. How about a pool filled with pancakes! I swear to Cheesus I'd butter myself up from head to toe because you can't have pancakes without gobs of
REAL butter, then I'd dive in to my pancake pool. I'd have it set up so that some
REAL maple syrup would flow down the slide. God I need this in my life.
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| Oh yeah. Source: Jason Merritt/Getty Images North America |
4.Okay let's focus people. I don't need this in my life at all! What are you people doing to me? Sheesh! This is a weight loss blog hello! I should be talking about a pool filled with Greek yogurt instead of pancakes for fuck's sake. Just so we're clear, if I do get that pool filled with Greek yogurt, I'm also gonna need John Stamos as my pool boy. Got it?
5. Wait. What were we talking about?
6. I love lists.
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| Gimme some of that yogurt or just John Stamos. Whatever. |
7. Where is John Stamos? Like why doesn't he have a TV show anymore? I mean it's not that I watched Full House or anything, but occasionally I'd turn the sound off and stare at the Greek wonder that is Uncle Jesse. And you know what else? I think he looks 10 times better now than he did back then.
8. Why does John Stamos look better than me? He probably works out huh? I wonder how old he is.
9. Holy shit! I just looked it up and he is 48! Now I'm really depressed. He's 8 years older than me and looks 10 years younger than me. Thanks a lot Uncle Jesse! Way to make a girl feel good. I hope you're proud of yourself sir.
10. I think you see now why I'm dreading my 40th birthday. I don't look like John Stamos. Fuck.
Well clearly it's time to take my medication. I don't even understand this post. Wish me luck on my impending 40-ness, kids. I need it.
