B and the meltdown that changed everything.

It began like any other day. I woke up at 4 am, stumbled around my room looking for my work clothes and the light switch. I turned on the light and looked in the mirror.

I don't know what some people see when they look in the mirror, but I hated the way that I looked. Every glance was another reason to pick at myself or put myself down. So I learned to avoid doing that. But I didn’t do that on this day. That look in the mirror had a different feel to it. Unbeknownst to me, I managed to become even heavier than I already was. I took a good long look at myself and hated what I saw. A stomach covered in stretch marks. A pair of arms that were sagged and sad. And again, I felt that twinge of self hate.

At that moment I remembered that the most physical thing I'd done up to that point was opening and closing doors. I remembered that the last time I ran without wanting to passing out was over 5 years ago. I was unhealthy and I knew it. But I still wasn't ready to accept the truth. I continued with my normal routine of brushing my hair. After I got dressed I turned off the lights in the bedroom and rushed out of the house.

As my day went on, I couldn't stop kicking myself in the ass for my fatness. I was irritated that I allowed myself to get so heavy. I spent half that day at work still hating myself and wishing to be in skinnier body. I contemplated if the problem was as severe as my mind was making it out to be. Then it happened. I went to go get lunch. As I sat there in front of my food, I could feel the tears coming. "I'm so sick of this." I thought to myself. "What am I doing to myself?"

What I was doing at that particular moment was getting a burrito with sour cream, huge gobs of meat. There was not a healthy thing in that Burrito. I figured it would cheer me up. Not on this day. Burritos have always been my favorite food, and I especially love them when they’re smothered in cheese and some kind of rich sauce. And since I never really learned how to cook at home, eating out became 2nd nature. I usually hit a restaurant everyday on my way home from work. I had dessert every night too. I had huge helpings of cheesecake, pies and ice cream. Everything that's bad for you, I relished. And I was happy to do it. I called it a treat. I don't even think puppies get rewarded as much as I "rewarded" myself for doing things normal adults do.

I was clearly unhappy with body and I’d been that way for awhile. But at that moment, I was more miserable than I’d ever been. Overwhelmed with my own diet failures, I went into a bathroom stall at work and bawled my eyes out. I'm not a crier but I sobbed my eyes out that day.

After I finished feeling sorry for myself, I headed straight to the gym facility at my job. I found a scale and on it for the first time in years. It said I was 250. I hung my head in shame for a little while, but then I held my head up and went back to my desk. "I’ve had absolutely enough of feeling sorry for myself.” I said. "I'm not staying 250 pounds forever."

I went into my cubicle, opened up a webpage, and went to Google. I sat there for hours looking up different exercises. I made a promise to myself during my research. I made a vow to be 70 pounds lighter by January of next year. I will not go to my 29th year at my current weight of 249 pounds. I just can't do it.


Somewhere in the midst of weight loss and the motivation to try to lose weight, I decided that I needed to write about my experiences. My personal blog was not the place where I wanted to get into the seriousness of my weight loss woes. I thought about it for awhile and came to the natural conclusion that a weight loss blog is a necessity for this step in my life. But I also knew that I didn't want write alone. Having support is so vital in the quest to lose weight. That and being alone is boring. Who do you high five when you've lost 5 pounds in a week? The air? Exactly.

I needed people who inspired me to begin my process to stay there with me. I needed to hear their stories and be on the same playing field. I also knew who would be up for the challenge. All the women contributing to this blog are honest and amazing people. I hope you'll be inspired by our stories of trying to lose a few pounds. We're on different paths, but we hope to end up at the same destination: Lighter and happier and without achy knees.

We will all reveal our hurts, hopes and dreams in these entries. I hope you'll stick with us as we get on the path to better health.



Until next time.