Getting Healthy at 40

Ain't that the truth? But I'm gonna try!

Well it happened. It finally happened. I turned 40 on Friday as I mentioned last week. I had a truly wonderful day thanks to my husband planning a treasure hunt to my gift, a fantastic dinner at a nice local restaurant that had terrific live jazz and then drinks (only 1 glass of wine for me due to my meds) at The Hyatt (fan-cy!).

Aside from that I received dozens of happy birthday wishes on Facebook and Twitter from friends and family which was really nice and just added to the lovely day. Things like that put a smile on my face and remind me that I have great friends and family, so thank you for that.

Since it was a milestone birthday, I allowed myself the weekend to sort of splurge. I had chocolate cake after dinner on Friday for example. I figured that 40 was a great time to really take charge of my life and start caring about myself more than I had been. I didn't realize that I disliked myself as much as I did until I did some soul searching this weekend. I mean, I have qualities that I like such as a good sense of humor, caring for others and a talent for writing and singing. But I also thought to myself too many times that I am wrinkled and ugly and fat. What a shitty way to perceive yourself right?

Not THAT bad for 40 am I? 

I can't do much about the wrinkles, but I'll apply as much cream as I can to help minimize those damn lines. Ugly? Probably not. I think I associate my being overweight with my being ugly. That's not fair is it? There are lots of people that are overweight that I don't think are unattractive, so why am I so hard on myself? It's ridiculous and I need to work on my perception of myself when I look in the mirror. Fat? Well, that's what I'm here for! Now that I'm 40, no more excuses! I've got to get serious about losing weight. Not because I want to fit in a size 6 or be more beautiful on the outside, but because I want to be healthy.

So I need your help, folks. Help me keep on track by reminding me of this post. Use my own words against me if need be! See, I have a terrible fear of dying ever since a health scare (one of many), so I want to make sure that I am doing everything I can to be healthy. I can't fix my CRPS, carpal tunnel syndrome, arthritis, migraines or blood disorder, but I can fix my blood pressure by losing weight can't I? Maybe one day I'll be able to stop taking blood pressure medications even.

One day that will be me smiling at the number on the scale!

The point of this rambling post is that I want and need to be the healthiest me I can be. I don't want to die before my time, so it's up to me to turn some things around. I'm fortunate to have the gift of writing for this blog and that means I'm held responsible by all of you. I don't want to disappoint you and more than that I don't want to disappoint myself.

I've been ignoring the scale..

...pretty much since I last wrote about breaking up with the scale. That was what, two weeks ago? I hopped on the scale this morning and I was up maybe one pound since I last weighed myself, which all in all is not too bad I think. The jeans I recently moved into the "wear" drawer are still fitting.

I've been paying attention to how my body actually looks when I go to my kickboxing class and I think I am still slimming to some extent. I've just been thinking that I'm really not that uncomfortable with the size I am at currently. My reasons stem more from the fact that I had put some of the initial 65 that I had lost back in the day and I am scared shitless of gaining it all back. And that I just kind of want my clothes to fit. That, I am getting closer to. But I feel happier when I'm not constantly thinking about everything I eat.

There are still things I need to do, however.

• Keep active. I can't slack on that shit. The more active I keep, the less I will have to think about food all the damn time.
• Keep cognizant of my reasons for eating. Make sure when I eat it's because I'm hungry, not because I'm bored or sad or pissed off.
• Recognize my hunger signals and recognize when I am full. Let go of the idea that I must clean my plate Every Time.
• Keep trying to make better choices. Don't neglect my fruits and veggies. Meal plan and such. 
• Make sure when I eat it's worth it.. As the line in Ratatouille goes "I don't like food, I love food and if I don't love it, I don't swallow." which essentially means if I'm going to have treats on occasion, make them good treats, not processed crap. 

These are things I can do to make sure I don't fall back into really bad old habits.

But as far as the weighing and the tracking and the self-flagellating every damn time I have a cookie (or a Lemon Poppyseed Muffin from Timmie's... Holy crap, crack in delicious fluffy yellow form) I'm just not sure I can do it anymore.

Pigging Out

Many of you know that I'm from Texas and damn proud of it! Being a Texan, and specifically a small-town, Southeast Texan, means BBQ, gumbo, fried everything and bake sales at the local high school. Yum right? Food has been an important part of my life since forever. My mom is an amazing cook, whipping up recipes passed down for generations. We're talking pies made with sticks of butter and heavy cream, cinnamon chocolate layer cakes, slow-cooked beef tips and noodles (my favorite), and various other dishes that make me salivate just visualizing them. I'm proud that I come from a long line of fantastic home cooks. My dad is a chili cookoff champion! He loves to cook and show off his recipes whenever he can.

That's not always good!

In Texas we do everything big. I'm sure you've heard that before and if you're a Texan, you know it's true. Our food is even bigger, for Pete's sake. Seriously...have you ever seen a chicken fried steak prepared in a Texas restaurant? It hangs off of the plate and is smothered in cream gravy. It's the land of, "Honey, getcha some more of that_____". That blank can be filled with any number of foods, potato salad, baked beans, fried okra, etc. It's hard to resist all of these things and I always thought, "One more little taste won't hurt". Those "little tastes" add up quick. Real quick.

Yes, please!

My mom tells the story of what a good baby I was. As long as I had my bottle I was happy. Geez! Even as a baby I loved eating! Am I predisposed to being overweight? Is it genetics? Who the hell knows! My mom is thin. My sister is thin, though we have different fathers and apparently the father I never knew had all the "fat genes" on his side. Thanks a lot for that (among countless other things), asshole. I can tell you this, I still love to eat. I'm not picky. I love vegetables, fruit, meat, sweets. You name it. There are very few things (broccoli yuck!), you can serve me that I won't love. Unless it's some weird part of an animal and then we may have an issue. So, even though genetics probably played a part in this, I can't blame my genes for the fact that I love to eat.

Fuck you, Mirror!

I have a love/hate relationship with food, just like I'm guessing my girls here on the blog do. That's most likely true for anyone battling their weight. I could sit and eat brisket or tacos or hamburgers or pie, day in and day out. I'd feel so good when they touch my taste buds! Then... I'd beat myself up for "being a pig". I'd look in the mirror after I downed a dessert that I didn't need and feel like shit because of the "pig face" I see. That's my go-to insult for myself. Pig face. I hate the pig face. I hate my mirror. Fuck you, Mirror! How can I do this to myself over and over and over again? I know that when I eat something that's not good for me that I'll feel guilty and punish myself mentally. So why the fuck do I keep doing it? I don't know. I really don't know.

I never really had issues with food growing up because I was an athlete and I would burn off whatever I ate. It was when I got older and the ol' metabolism slowed down and I had to have a hysterectomy, that the pounds added up and I started this cycle of eating whatever I wanted and then beating myself up afterward. When I had to begin a plethora of medications for CRPS and was unable to exercise like before, I took notice of what I was eating, but it didn't stop me from having that pie or whatever. It feels so good to indulge doesn't it? Everything tastes like the best thing you ever ate when you know you shouldn't have it, right? How can it be so bad for me, when it tastes so good? That pisses me right the fuck off. When broccoli starts to taste like chocolate, I'll start eating it. Ha!

No pig face for me!

I'm getting better at choosing the right things to eat. I'm trying to eat things that are baked or grilled, rather than fried or covered in creamy sauces. It's tough eating out, but I'm trying y'all. I'm trying. I don't want to look in the mirror anymore and see a pig face. I want to see the woman I used to think was pretty. I want to feel pretty again. I'm hopeful that sharing my ups and downs with all of you will help me say goodbye to the pig face forever. Say it with me...Fuck off, Pig Face!!