Monday, May 7, 2012

Thanks a Lot, John Stamos! I'm Almost 40 and Look Like Hell.

Fuck you, 40!
My 40th (Oh. Em. Gee.) birthday is on Friday and I'm not dealing with it very well, folks. I wanted to be a thin, sexy 40 year old woman, not a chunky monkey 40 year old woman with self-esteem issues. Where did it all go wrong? I have some thoughts on the subject that I thought I would share.

1. I got injured and developed CRPS so exercise is almost completely out of the question. Fuck you, nerve disorder! I can blame CRPS for at least part of my fat ass can't I? I mean if I didn't have CRPS I would be able to do yoga like I used to and maybe I would be all svelt and stuff.

2. I <3 food way too much. Y'all if I could roll around in a pool filled with Key Lime Pie filling and eat my way out, I totally would. Then I'd jump into the pool filled with whipped cream. The real kind too, not that Cool Whip shit.

3. I'm liking this vision of a pool filled with deliciousness. Let's roll with it. How about a pool filled with pancakes! I swear to Cheesus I'd butter myself up from head to toe because you can't have pancakes without gobs of REAL butter, then I'd dive in to my pancake pool. I'd have it set up so that some REAL maple syrup would flow down the slide. God I need this in my life.

Oh yeah. Source: Jason Merritt/Getty Images North America
4.Okay let's focus people. I don't need this in my life at all! What are you people doing to me? Sheesh! This is a weight loss blog hello! I should be talking about a pool filled with Greek yogurt instead of pancakes for fuck's sake. Just so we're clear, if I do get that pool filled with Greek yogurt, I'm also gonna need John Stamos as my pool boy. Got it?

5. Wait. What were we talking about?

6. I love lists.

Gimme some of that yogurt or just John Stamos. Whatever.
7. Where is John Stamos? Like why doesn't he have a TV show anymore? I mean it's not that I watched Full House or anything, but occasionally I'd turn the sound off and stare at the Greek wonder that is Uncle Jesse. And you know what else? I think he looks 10 times better now than he did back then.

8. Why does John Stamos look better than me? He probably works out huh? I wonder how old he is.

9. Holy shit! I just looked it up and he is 48! Now I'm really depressed. He's 8 years older than me and looks 10 years younger than me. Thanks a lot Uncle Jesse! Way to make a girl feel good. I hope you're proud of yourself sir.

10. I think you see now why I'm dreading my 40th birthday. I don't look like John Stamos. Fuck.

Well clearly it's time to take my medication. I don't even understand this post. Wish me luck on my impending 40-ness, kids. I need it.


  1. MMmmm John Stamos is yummy. But you know, men age better than women. They just do. The older a man gets the better he looks. It just isn't fair.


    Age is but a number, and you're fabulous no matter the age.

    And damn it I have visions of diving into a pancake pool now.

  2. They really do age better. I find this incredibly unfair.

    Thank you so much, sweetie. I <3 the hell out of you.

  3. John Stamos TOTALLY looks way better now than he did in his 20s.. I think it's the loss of his Uncle Jesse Mullet-turned-Greaser do.

    Happy Birthday, you will ROCK 40, m'dear.

    1. I think you're right, that bad 80's mullet certainly wasn't doing him any favors. Haha!

      Thank you so much, sweetheart. I hope you're right!

  4. Given that you are female, if you DID look like John Stamos, I would really be freaked out.

    And I'd totally be diving in the greek yogurt pool with you...

    1. Haha! That's true, but dammit he looks so good!

      Yummy yogurt pool. High five!

  5. Hahaha! I might commit murder if it meant I could swim in a pool of butter (dairy hates me). I hear 40 is rough but look at it this way: you get to leave your 30s on the side of the road! I don't know what yours were like but mine are fraught with tyranny... and food allergies. Happy almost birthday!

    1. Ha! Well, I loved being 30. I was in a good place emotionally then, plus I had a fabulous bod. But, you're right, I did have a lot of crappy things happen in my 30's too. Divorce, infertility, hysterectomy, CRPS, etc. A LOT of health issues. Maybe in my 40's I'll be healthy! Fingers crossed :)

      Thanks so much sweetie!

  6. Your posts always make me hungry! I want some waffles... or better yet, some fucking french toast!

    40 isn't so it? You're scaring me!

    Anyways, good luck and have a HAPPY birthday!

    1. Oooo... waffles AND French toast! Yummmmm! I love me some breakfast foods.

      I hope it's not bad, my friend. I really hope not. Hopefully I'm just being irrational and paranoid which I've been known to be in the past. I'm sure 40 will be fucking amazeballs... right?

      Thank you so much, pal :)

  7. Great post. For more light relief, you might enjoy this Cartoon