Thursday, February 16, 2012

Not only did I fall off the wagon, I tumbled off.

B here. *waves hi*

I apologize from my prolonged absence from this blog, but I've had one helluva two weeks.

First, my job temporarily blocked blogger. You see, I do most of my commenting/blog searching/writing at my job. When blogger was taken from me about 2 Sundays ago, I had to scramble to switch my schedule around to make it possible to write again. And, even worse, I had nothing prepared in advance, so I had to skip out on my writing day. Thankfully, my girl JJ stepped in for me with some very encouraging words that hit me right in the solarplexis. If you'd like to read that again, go here.

Now, the title of this post says that I tumbled off the wagon. And I did. I intended to stay on my **** (not calling it the D word anymore. It's a dirty word) but stress and fate stepped all up in the way. For a few days on that week thanks to a series of unfortunate events besides the block, I began to sink into a deep depression.

I get that pesky feeling of immobility and sadness sometimes during the winter months, but this was the most severe it's been in awhile. I couldn't even muster up the strength to get out of bed and focus on anything. Everything went by the wayside. My blogging, my reading, the exercise, and of course, that pesky D word. I consumed so much junk food the past few weeks I'm embarrassed to admit it. It's like I had no self control. Thankfully, I somehow recovered from it before it was too late. How?

Well, I remembered something that my pal Yandie told me in an e-mail a few weeks before the depression hit that distracting yourself from the sads is the best way not to sabotage yourself. So, I wrote here about my true and honest feelings. And so many of my regular readers stepped up with their own stories of feeling trapped and unhappy at times and offered me some very encouraging words. And it made me feel better. I still ate the junk food, but I didn't beat myself up for it. I just kept track of what I was doing. The fat and extra calories weren't good, but at least I wasn't blindly shoving food in my mouth like I normally do when I feel this way. And you know what? It passed. The bad feelings passed and I started to feel better.

In essence, what do you do when you feel like shit about yourself and guilty about what you've done? Write it out. Talk it out. Be honest and tell someone how you feel. It's the only way to beat the bad feelings and take stock of what's bothering you. Which sounds like obvious advice, but I've always preferred to make a big comfy tent around myself and my emotions.

Source: via LD on Pinterest

I shouldn't do the whole tent thing. It's something I'm working on. Trust me.

I always want to be super woman, but I have to remind myself that I'm human. I cannot trap myself in a glass case of emotion. I have to be honest with myself and my feelings first and foremost, otherwise I sabotage myself. I have to remember that it's not just me in my little world. Someone is always a phone call, e-mail or text message away with an open ear. USE IT, B. Use it.

If you're feeling bad about something, say or do something about it. And if you must gulp down junk food, think about what you're doing before you do it. And always keep track of stuff. I'm learning so much about what to and not to eat by just putting it in my weight loss app on my phone.

I'd also like to thank the other girls on this blog for the advice, venting and the laughs. We were friends before I begged politely and graciously asked for them to write here, and I'm sure that in some way or fashion, these gals will be in my life for a long time to come. Thanks you Yandie, Mrs One, JJ, Red and Bea for understanding me and helping me get over the sads the past few weeks. I really needed the distraction.

As for the ****, I'll be starting over again from scratch. There's healthy stuff in the fridge and no excuse to go off the wagon again. :-)

That's it for this week. I'll be posting on Thursdays from here on in, so I'll see you then.

Until next time.


  1. I count this as a win for you. You took a bad time, found a way through it, and somehow turned it around into a learning experience as well. Good for you - keep looking forward! *hugs*

  2. I love how honest you are, B. I know exactly what you're saying about falling off the wagon; it's so hard! My worst times are holidays and weird short weeks of work. Yesterday I found 2 OPEN containers of frosting in the fridge and got the crack shivers. I totally ate a fingerful, but then I put the rest back. Which was a HUGE success for me. Glad you're back, get back in that Red Flyer and we'll all pull you around the parking lot. XOXO, PGG

  3. Ohh B. I heart you big time, like jumbo jet big. I'm so sorry that you've been having such a tough time lately. Am I the only person that feels like when food is your comfort and you are ****ing, everything crazy suddenly springs up and you don't even have the comfort of food to solace you so it makes everything so much worse? Good for you on not getting discouraged and for keeping track even when you're tumbling on the ground after falling off the wagon. Especially, good for you for starting again.

  4. Oh B, I hope you are feeling back to normal soon! I completely and totally understand what are you are saying - huge amounts of sympathy, I've been there too!! A lame little distraction trick that works for me to make lists! Honestly, just make a list of (1) one positive thing to do today (talk to a friend, go for a walk, 10 push ups, whatever, you decide) and (2) little chores (dust, clean, sort out the tupperware drawers, go healthy grocery shopping) (3) little achievements you did today (overcame the urge to eat something bad, ate a nice big salad, made a healthy food timetable for the week) and you just feel so much better when you can look at all the good things you've done, I get a much better night's sleep and feel much more likely to try harder the next day.

    Either way, stay strong and thank you for you blog! Fatty. Xx

    1. Oh wow! I really like your list idea! I'll be giving that a try!

    2. It's great when you get to the end of the day and all you have a list of accomplishments and load of tick marks beside them. You feel like WINNING!

  5. It happens to us all. The good of it, is that you've stepped right out of it. The difficult part is getting back on track, and you've managed that much, so well done!

    GM x

  6. I think it's totally natural to fall off the wagon some times - in fact that's so the easy part. The hard part is not beating yourself up about it and getting back on the wagon :)

    good luck.

  7. Thank YOU for inviting me along in this little trip of yours down the healthy and thin path. I have had a crappy week, other than the holiday, so I haven't been really doing the **** either. I didn't beat myself up as much as I used to and for the same reasons you didn't... support.

    I know that we will be important to each other's lives too. How could we not?

  8. Damn the man. I would have flipped out if I my current boss did that to me. I used to work for the corporate office of a large home improvement business (cough *home depot* cough) and they blocked everything - Facebook, Myspace, YouTube, Blogger, MSN, Yahoo, pretty much all the good stuff. We were all like, "What are we supposed to do now?!" It did NOT improve worker morale or productivity, BTW. Morons. We need our play time!

    Anyhoo, I'm glad you figured out an arrangement, because we NEED you contributing to this blog. You're fantastic. Love!