Many of you know that I'm from Texas and damn proud of it! Being a Texan, and specifically a small-town, Southeast Texan, means BBQ, gumbo, fried everything and bake sales at the local high school. Yum right? Food has been an important part of my life since forever. My mom is an amazing cook, whipping up recipes passed down for generations. We're talking pies made with sticks of butter and heavy cream, cinnamon chocolate layer cakes, slow-cooked beef tips and noodles (my favorite), and various other dishes that make me salivate just visualizing them. I'm proud that I come from a long line of fantastic home cooks. My dad is a chili cookoff champion! He loves to cook and show off his recipes whenever he can.
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| That's not always good! |
In Texas we do everything big. I'm sure you've heard that before and if you're a Texan, you know it's true. Our food is even bigger, for Pete's sake. Seriously...have you ever seen a chicken fried steak prepared in a Texas restaurant? It hangs off of the plate and is smothered in cream gravy. It's the land of, "Honey, getcha some more of that_____". That blank can be filled with any number of foods, potato salad, baked beans, fried okra, etc. It's hard to resist all of these things and I always thought, "One more little taste won't hurt". Those "little tastes" add up quick. Real quick.
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| Yes, please! |
My mom tells the story of what a good baby I was. As long as I had my bottle I was happy. Geez! Even as a baby I loved eating! Am I predisposed to being overweight? Is it genetics? Who the hell knows! My mom is thin. My sister is thin, though we have different fathers and apparently the father I never knew had all the "fat genes" on his side. Thanks a lot for that (among countless other things), asshole. I can tell you this, I still love to eat. I'm not picky. I love vegetables, fruit, meat, sweets. You name it. There are very few things (broccoli yuck!), you can serve me that I won't love. Unless it's some weird part of an animal and then we may have an issue. So, even though genetics probably played a part in this, I can't blame my genes for the fact that I love to eat.
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| Fuck you, Mirror! |
I have a love/hate relationship with food, just like I'm guessing my girls here on the blog do. That's most likely true for anyone battling their weight. I could sit and eat brisket or tacos or hamburgers or pie, day in and day out. I'd feel so good when they touch my taste buds! Then... I'd beat myself up for "being a pig". I'd look in the mirror after I downed a dessert that I didn't need and feel like shit because of the "pig face" I see. That's my go-to insult for myself. Pig face. I hate the pig face. I hate my mirror. Fuck you, Mirror! How can I do this to myself over and over and over again? I know that when I eat something that's not good for me that I'll feel guilty and punish myself mentally. So why the fuck do I keep doing it? I don't know. I really don't know.
I never really had issues with food growing up because I was an athlete and I would burn off whatever I ate. It was when I got older and the ol' metabolism slowed down and I had to have a hysterectomy, that the pounds added up and I started this cycle of eating whatever I wanted and then beating myself up afterward. When I had to begin a plethora of medications for CRPS and was
unable to exercise like before, I took notice of what I was eating, but it didn't stop me from having that pie or whatever. It feels so good to indulge doesn't it? Everything tastes like the best thing you ever ate when you know you shouldn't have it, right? How can it be so bad for me, when it tastes so good? That pisses me right the fuck off. When broccoli starts to taste like chocolate, I'll start eating it. Ha!
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| No pig face for me! |
I'm getting better at choosing the right things to eat. I'm trying to eat things that are baked or grilled, rather than fried or covered in creamy sauces. It's tough eating out, but I'm trying y'all. I'm trying. I don't want to look in the mirror anymore and see a pig face. I want to see the woman I used to think was pretty. I want to
feel pretty again. I'm hopeful that sharing my ups and downs with all of you will help me say goodbye to the pig face forever. Say it with me...Fuck off, Pig Face!!
I'm trying to get my hubby on board with the baked food thing. He's not excited about it, but I figure if I'm cooking you'll eat it and be happy. Besides, he needs to get healthy with me.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's really hard to choose the right thing to eat. You know what you WANT to eat, but then there's what you SHOULD eat. More and more frequently I'm noticing that what I WANT to eat just so happens to be what I SHOULD be eatting! What a lovely surprise when that happens!
You really hit the nail on the head. What I WANT when we eat out and what I SHOULD have are definitely still different things, but every now and then I surprise myself too. It really is the eating out that kicks my ass. We cook pretty good at home, for the most part, it's the restaurants. They are beginning to offer healthier options that are still tasty, more and more, though. So yay! Way to go restaurants!
ReplyDeleteI also think my hormones are going whacko. I had my hysterectomy January 2011 and I was on estrogen for a little while but with (yet another)health scare, they told me to stop taking them. So you can imagine...up, down, up, down. Ackk!
I had no idea about that with Texas. Everything sounds sooo delicious, but you're right, it's not healthy. It's especially hard when you go to a erstaurant. Those cheesy fries sound sooo good, but a second serving of veggie may be a little better for you :P
ReplyDeleteYou're right, Jax...everything IS delicious. Haha! It really is. It's hard to eat healthy here in the Midwest too. Land of buffets! Luckily I'm not really a buffet person.
DeleteWe went to a BBQ place here not long ago and I went in with a plan to have whatever meat I wanted but get really, healthy sides like green beans and maybe a baked sweet potato. They didn't have a single green vegetable. Actually, they didn't have any vegetables that weren't fried or covered in gravy, other than corn, which is so starchy it's barely healthy. I was so pissed! I need to learn to do BBQ at home, I guess.
Go veggies!! You nailed it, girl!
I don't punish myself for eating, but I used to punish myself for other things. Working to boost my self-esteem included a lot of work to stop kicking myself for every counterproductive mistake I made. Instead, I just tell myself I did the best I could at the time, and I recommit to doing better the next time.
ReplyDeleteSo just keep telling yourself that there is no pigface. That's just a false message your mind is telling you, to try to make you fail. You should feel pretty, even if you want to be thinner. Don't let those negative messages live inside you. There is a lot more to being beautiful than how thin you are. And once you can believe that, the food loses its emotional power over you.
I'm so glad you're working on not self-punishing yourself. I really do need to stop that, regardless of my weight. You're absolutely right. I should feel pretty regardless. Fucking self-esteem! Get off the damn floor!
DeleteI never thought of food having so much power over me. You're so right about it though. It really does. Thank you for that point of view. It's so helpful!
You get *megalo-hugs* for that! Haha!
No offence, but eating in Texas just sounds like too much! Even I'd keel over with all that grub, and I can certainly pack my food away!
ReplyDeleteIt's a lot for sure. Hahaha! I mean, we don't have all of those things at once or anything, but you're right, it can be too much. That's not to say that there aren't amazing restaurants that don't overdo it and have healthy options, but I would say that's fairly new. It also depends on what town you're in. I would say Austin is the healthiest town. I lived there for 3 years and they have a lot more variety in restaurants there. Plus people are really active outdoors. So, I don't want to give the whole state a bad name when it's really my own choices that got me into trouble with my weight, regardless of which state I was living in (I've lived in Texas, California and now Kansas).
DeleteIs it wrong to say that this post made me sooooo hungry? I love me some food! If I lived in Texas it would probably feel like heaven!
ReplyDeleteI have no advice to give. It is hard to watch what you eat when the food tastes so good. I really don't struggle with a weight problem which is quite amazing considering how unhealthy I eat but I know I'm getting to the age where it will sneak up on me and bite me in the ass!
Best of luck to you..and try not to be so hard on yourself!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna toss a rack of ribs on the grill!
Your response cracked me up, sir. I didn't intend to invoke hunger, but I can see how all that food talk could make you want some ribs. Ha!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could eat whatever I wanted without consequences. I'm so jealous of people like that. My sister is that way...dammit!
I'll do my best. I promise! And don't hesitate to send some ribs this way. I can be strong and only eat a couple!
I visited Texas once and put on almost half a stone
ReplyDeleteI bet you did! Everything is so yummy, it's hard to say no.
Deleteyumm i have never been but i can not wait for the big portions :)
ReplyDeleteYou'll get 'em there for sure. Haha!
DeleteMan, I have been trying to hard to just avoid restaurants in general, because everything I want is SO bad and in such huge portions, and I would sit there and eat it all just because it was so good.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post! Sorry it took me so long to read it.