Thursday, April 12, 2012

It's time to confess something.

Spring has sprung, and summer is fast approaching. Long thought of as a time of fun and freedom, my summers are a bit different than some other people's.

You see, It's been 10 years since I've gone swimming. So, the last time that I went would be when I was 18 years old.

The question that I'm sure you're asking yourself is "why?" Well, it's a combination of different things, but it's mostly because I don't feel comfortable in bathing suits. Mostly because of how much I weigh. I fear going to be beach (or in my case, the lake) would consist of me hiding under a blanket the entire time because I'm too paranoid about showing any part of myself.

I would seriously reconsider my bad if I had this to wear

I lived in California, one of the most beautiful places in the world with some of the best beaches, and I almost never ran into the ocean and swam just for the hell of it.

I'll always be a California girl.

I'm sure you're also probably thinking "Screw it B! Slap on that swimsuit and go have some fun!" Well, it's not that simple for me. I do not want to be the girl that everyone makes fun of on the beach. I do not want to have pictures taken of me and posted on someone's website somewhere going "HEY SHAMU" or something like that.

Will I ever be fully comfortable enough to slap on a bikini and go swimming again? Only time will tell. But for now, I sit here waiting to lose these pounds and looking at all the pretty swimsuits that I'll never wear.

If that isn't motivation to lose weight, I don't know what is.

Anybody else have any thing that your weight stops you from doing?

Until next time.


  1. B, you're not alone. I hate wearing shorts, if I do make it into a bathing suit, it's a running family joke that I adorn shorts AND a cover-up over it, and I wear a fleece over my workout clothes--to the gym. I just want to be free to do what I want, without feeling so restricted and self-conscious. Here's hoping we all get to feel comfortable with ourselves this summer. And thanks for sharing this :)

  2. I haven't worn a swimsuit in almost that long myself. I also lived in California for 4 years and never once swam in the ocean. I don't like to wear shorts either because I hate my legs. I would prefer to be covered from head to toe at all times. This is probably the reason that I now have a Vitamin D deficiency from staying indoors too much. It's really painful, so I wish I could get over my fear.

    I'm in the same boat as you, so of course talk to me ANYTIME. Seriously. You have my number.

    1. Ha! I do have your number.

      This will be an interesting thing to challenge myself with, dontcha think?

  3. Oh dear B. I don't know what I'd do in the NC summers if I didn't slap on some lycra and toss myself into pools and the ocean. I know I'm pretty gross, but I have never let that stop me from getting into water. Maybe because I'm a Pisces and water is just in my soul.

    I understand the fear of ridicule and not wanting to end up on the internet for some disrespectful little bitch, but don't let other people stop you from being you.

    Although I do refuse to ever wear shorts in public. Mainly because they ride up my ass no matter what I do to try to stop it. I refuse to be that girl being snickered at.

  4. Here it is from a man's perspective. I'm overweight. I have a flabby belly that hangs over my pants. But I just don't give a shit. I mean I care that I'm overweight and could be healthier but I don't care how I look or what people think of me. I'm not going to let my appearance stop me from having any fun.

    If I lived on the coast you can bet your ass I would be at that beach every day, whether I'm a fat ass or not. America is obese! It's nothing out of the ordinary to see plus sized women having a good time at the beach in their bathing suits.

    I really hate to come off as a dick here, I like this blog and following all of your journeys but come on. There is more to life than how you look. You are just standing on the sidelines letting life pass you by.

    Here's some food for thought. Maybe you aren't losing the weight because you won't allow yourself to be happy. Depression affects your weight or ability to lose it. If you are just going to isolate yourself and avoid going out in public then no, you won't be able to lose weight.

    Try letting yourself be happy and have some fun. Maybe then you will find the motivation needed to lose weight.

    My wife is overweight as well. She weighs just as much as I do. She has the rolls and stretch marks and flabby skin. That doesn't stop her from putting on the bathing suit and enjoying herself. I'm just saying, be yourself and live life. The rest will fall into place.

    You know, I hear that swimming is great exercise and burns tons of calories! I'm challenging you. Stick to your diet and go swimming for an hour every day for a week. No sunbathing, actual swimming. If you do this and still don't get any results, whether it is pounds or inches lost, I will publicly confess on my blog that I am a dick. I will humiliate myself if I am wrong. You can even join the fun in humiliating me if you so choose.

    Again, I'm sorry if I am out of my place here or am being rude. I just hate seeing someone miss out on life. You only get one shot at living, better make it count!

    1. Ha! I got you on a rant. Love it.

      I understand what you're saying. I think part of the reason I'm admitting it is so that I can get the hell over myself and this silly fear and go have some fun with my family. It IS a pain in the ass to constantly be a stick in the mud whiner about every little thing.

      If you knew me in real life, you'd know that I'm not obsessed with how I look. Most of the time I don't even wear makeup. Slathering myself and my face is not a priority. That said, going out in a bathing suit and being analyzed by some asshole on the beach is a legitimate fear of mine. I'm working on making it better, but it's something that's on my mind.

      This whole bathing suit thing, along with weight loss, is as much mental as it is physical. So, perhaps me confessing it here and seeing this rant is exactly what I needed to see. As ridiculous as my confession maybe, I take heart to what you said and I'm working on making it better.

      And you aren't crazy. My hubby says the same thing. Live life, be happy and shut up. He's right.

      Thanks for your thoughts.

    2. Whew! I feel like I dodged a bullet here. I was afraid that I may have struck a nerve and pissed you off. I really am just trying to be helpful and I'm glad you see it that way.

      I understand that women are more self conscience about such things as men. So I guess I understand your fear of being scrutinized on the beach. Some people are assholes like that. And sometimes I tend to forget that not everybody feels the way I do. I don't judge people according to their weight or appearance and wouldn't dream of giving a hard time to someone who just wants to enjoy being with their family.

      And I agree, if anything I think it is more mental than anything. I'm still trying to fully commit to working out on a regular basis. I am full of excuses like not having the time or what not. It's not the workout that I hate doing, it's just finding the motivation to do it.

      I still think you should take me up on that swimming challenge! ;-)

  5. Hello B - I can relate to being uncomfortable in a swimsuit very well. I've lost a lot of weight recently but still have a ways to go before being a regular size. And, I just don't have pretty model legs to start with... so I am a bit self-concious too.

    I love looking at swimsuit pictures and deciding which ones I would buy - however, I've found that looking at all these incredibly hot bodies doesn't exactly help my self-esteem. I tend to forget that the models are not the majority of the world's population! In the end, I feel like it can be more of a hindrance rather than a help and just wanted to share this view with you.

  6. i can totally understand where you are coming from. as workingdan said...i have rolls and stretch marks and even some hangy skin from having kids. but let me tell you....i would NEVER let that stop me from living my life. yes i hate it cause all my friends are a perfect size 8 and even a size 0. i get pissed as hell when i hear them say they are fat! nothing more pisses me off! i have became comfortable with my body because only one thing matters and that one thing is that workingdan still finds me sexy and thats all i care about. yes i know it makes you feel good being checked out by other men, but in reality its not those guys that are important.

    wd and i were getting ready to go camping once when i discovered my one piece bathing suit was still at my cousins house from her swimming party. so i had to take my bikini that i havent wore for over 9 years! i was totally embarrased because my sister in law was going and she was skinny but i put on the bikini sucked it up and ran to the water. i stayed under the water till i found someone on the beach i felt looked worse than me, then i got out and laid out on the beach.

    i hate seeing someone that isnt confident in their self. im no where near a wallflower so when i see that i just want to go drag them out and make them have a good time.

    good luck on your journey and i hope my little story can be some inspiration to you!!!

  7. I've always been the chick who swims in t-shirts and shorts over a bathing suit because there was no way in hell I was going to let people see how big I truly was. I had a HUGE breakthrough last summer when my mom bought me a suit that was a tankini but the bottom has a little skirt thing on it. Usually those look like old old lady suits but this was was okay. I actually wore it without stuff over it last summer - both in Destin and in Panama City! Crazy, I know. Mostly for me it was feeling like everyone would be looking at me and judging me. It was easier for me to do that around complete strangers though, so I just did it.

    I plan on soon being svelte enough to wear sexy bathing suits and feel fabulous in them! You too!

  8. Two years ago, still 20 lbs away from my goal I bought my first bikini since I was 17. I bought it and wore it And realized that no one was staring at my stretch marks or my still remaining gut or my cellulite. People looked, but with an air of bored curiousity of this who are simply people watching, not judging.

    No one cared. There were people who looked way better than I did. There were people who looked worse. It didn't matter.

    I agree with workindan, don't let the the fear of judgement allow you to miss out. Some people are going to be assholes, but they need to be told they are assholes.. They are NEVER a good reason to apologize for being who you are and doing what you want to do.