Monday, April 23, 2012

Back Then I...



Yesterday I had to do a photoshoot and I'm telling you I've never felt so self-conscious in my entire life. It's weird because I used to model and have done shoots in A LOT less clothing and never felt insecure. That was a long time ago my friends. I was a lot skinnier and at least 7 years younger. I look back at those photos sometimes and forget that I have gained all this weight. I don't want to come back to the reality that I'm embarrassed of my body now. I want to go back in time and be that girl that modeled her tattoos and didn't worry about showing her body. In that time I wasn't afflicted with CRPS and arthritis and my hands weren't swollen and twisted in pain. I was beautiful then. Oh how I wish I could slip back into that body I was proud of like a second skin. I would leave my gnarled hands behind along with all the weight I've gained. Oh please can't I go back again? This time I won't fall and break my arm so badly that it develops CRPS. I'll treat my body well and will remember to eat healthy and exercise. This time I'll do what I should do and won't have an illness hold me back. Please?

8 comments:

  1. We all want a second chance to go back and do it right! But such is life and the harsh reality that we can't, only makes us appreciate what we do have...or envy the things we don't!

    No excuses, live free, die happy!

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    1. Right. Now I just have to make my present better and stop trying to live in the past. Ugh. But I was skinny and pretty then dammit!

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  2. Ah yes. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. I recently discovered a picture of 15 year old me rocking a bikini like nobodies business. It's now on my fridge to serve as inspiration.

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    1. Right? It's so hard not to get depressed when thinking about how I used to look and feel. I'm gonna try to move forward though.

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  3. You are still beautiful, CRPS and arthritis be damned. Don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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  4. I would like to be rid of the backaches and the tendonitis and the cellulite and the ribcage inflammation, etc. I'd like to have not done some really stupid things because I had no self-confidence (You know... things like liposuction. Yeah, really). But to go back? I dunno. Would I have to give up all the knowledge I gained about myself and life? Would I have to take back the ex?

    I think I'll keep working to be the best I can, but I'll keep the stretch marks and the lipo bumps and the cellulite and the backaches and whatever else decides to not go away. Because I think we're good right where we are. In fact, we're more than good. We're amazing and awesome and fantastic. :)

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    1. No taking back the exes! Hahaha! I so want to believe that I'm awesome and amazing and fantastic. I really do. Maybe one day.

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