Back Then I...

Yesterday I had to do a photoshoot and I'm telling you I've never felt so self-conscious in my entire life. It's weird because I used to model and have done shoots in A LOT less clothing and never felt insecure. That was a long time ago my friends. I was a lot skinnier and at least 7 years younger. I look back at those photos sometimes and forget that I have gained all this weight. I don't want to come back to the reality that I'm embarrassed of my body now. I want to go back in time and be that girl that modeled her tattoos and didn't worry about showing her body. In that time I wasn't afflicted with CRPS and arthritis and my hands weren't swollen and twisted in pain. I was beautiful then. Oh how I wish I could slip back into that body I was proud of like a second skin. I would leave my gnarled hands behind along with all the weight I've gained. Oh please can't I go back again? This time I won't fall and break my arm so badly that it develops CRPS. I'll treat my body well and will remember to eat healthy and exercise. This time I'll do what I should do and won't have an illness hold me back. Please?