I Appreciate You

Photo credit: Arlington National Cemetary

Today is Memorial Day and is one of those holidays where we, as Americans, reflect on all of the soldiers who have lost their lives in battle. As the daughter of a Vietnam veteran, this day has special meaning for me. My father was in the Navy and did two tours of duty in Vietnam. He was lucky enough to make it out alive and in tact. Not everyone was that fortunate and today we should remember them. So I'm not going to write about my weight loss journey today, I'm going to write about appreciation.

Since I became unable to do a lot of every day things because of my CRPS, carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis, I've had a lot of time to think. Many days have found me feeling very angry and very sad about having CRPS and about what it has taken from me. There have also been many days that have found me appreciative for a lot of things. Here is a short list of those things:

• My husband He helps me when I can't help myself. He does so many things that I appreciate like, doing the dishes, cutting my meat when my hands won't let me, cooking when I can't, driving me around because my medications keep me a little too loopy to drive. This list could go on for pages and pages to be frank.
• My readers You find what I write interesting or comical or sometimes even helpful and I appreciate your support more than you know. You keep me going on days that I feel like I have nothing to say.
• My sister, Amy She may be 9 years younger than I am, but she's wise beyond her years. We are super duper close and I love her dearly. She is always there when I need her and I reciprocate. It's nice to have a sister!
• My mother We have definitely had moments where I thought we may kill each other, but my mother is incredibly supportive and non-judgmental. I love that about her.

Key Lime Pie is my favorite! Photo: Charles E. Walton IV

• Pie I love pie. It loves to fatten me up. It's a love/hate situation I suppose. Damn you, pie!
• Pajamas My uniform. I write in pajamas. I dance in pajamas. I read in pajamas. I watch TV in pajamas. I do everything in pajamas except go in public wearing them because I'm not quite THAT lazy yet. Thank you to whomever invented pajamas. You are loved.

Ha! This ad is great!

• ChapStick I appreciate the way you keep my lips soft and smooth. Thank you, ChapStick, thank you.
• Beer Oh how I love thee. You've made me fatter and fatter, but I still love thee. Why am I using the word 'thee'? This isn't the Bible, after all.
• Music I can't go a day without music. I love a variety of genres and I primarily listen to jazz/blues when I'm writing. I wouldn't be able to dance around the living room like a loon if I didn't have music now would I?

Now that's old school!

• Television You sneaky little bastard! You suck me into your fantasy lands, your make believe stories and I love it!

And on this day even more than others,

• My father As I said, he is a Vietnam veteran and I appreciate his service. I appreciate that he is a good man and tries to do the right thing by me and my siblings. On this Memorial Day I am so grateful that he made it out of that horror alive. 

My family was fortunate in that way, but many others weren't so lucky and today I appreciate the sacrifice they made for me and everyone else. I hope you take time this Memorial Day to think about the reason this is a holiday. Please take a moment to honor, respect and appreciate those who can't be with us today.

There's no accounting for taste.

But...but.... I love all parts of you...Or I used to.

I'm going to discuss something today, that I totally plan on discussing over on my personal blog as well. The changing of the taste-buds. 


Ya'll....


All the food aversions have gone. In it's place is a constant need to shove food into my face hole as fast as possible. One of my personal favorite things to throw in my face hole is meat (boy does that sound kinda filthy). 


I love meat. Throw some chicken or beef or pork at me and I am a happy lady. Not now though. Now my taste has changed and meat tastes off. All that really tastes normal to me is veggies and fruit. I eat a fair amount of these anyways, but... come on man... let me enjoy my meat too... Please?  


It's so strange how taste changes like that. 


So besides meat tasting kinda funky to me now, it hasn't much curbed my appetite. It's like a switch got flipped and my body was like BAM!! LET'S EAT!! That is a challenge to fight with on the daily. Some days I fail-miserably. Some days I resist and overcome the desire- on those days I'm super proud of myself. I only need an extra 300 calories a day for the nugget, so I'm not really supposed to be literally eating for two. 


That's sort of my mantra right now: Not literally for two. Not literally for two. Not literally for two. 

I fight this urge on the daily.

Life.

Writing here again feels like coming home in a way. I've been missing my past few posting dates because I've been legitimately busy. By the time I remembered that it was my turn to post, it was too late to do anything about it. But that's no matter. I'm here now. And there have been a few important changes in my life that warrant writing about.

I don't have much weight loss news for anyone. The temps are soaring here in Phoenix (today's high is 105), which is a dynamic excuse to lay around the house doing nothing. I mean, how many people are going to trot out in 105 degree weather to do squats? I'm trying my best to keep up with exercise, but MAN. The summers are brutal and it does nothing for my motivation.

Another pretty huge deal is I managed to secure myself some new employment. In this economy, finding a new job was nothing short of a miracle. I'd been looking for months, but I finally found something. Which means no more wacky schedules and overly long days for me. I go back to the Monday-Friday grind just like everybody else. Which I'm sure will have an impact on my health. Crazy hours don't exactly keep you the healthiest gal on the block.

However, I'm feeling very happy about the changes taking place. I normally shy away from new experience and general risk, but this feels very right. I can't be mad at that.

So. No weight lost or gained, but lots of new opportunities on the horizon, and I'm already experiencing a more positive attitude. That feels almost as good as losing a few pounds.

Ladies magazines are of the Devil

Not much to report this week. Have been in and out of the ER last week with a child who had swallowed, but has not yet passed, a steel ball bearing.

I did learn something while killing those hours in ER, or at least I confirmed something I already knew ages ago...

Ladies magazines are just the worst.. 

They appear to be systematically created to make the reader feel like shit about themselves. And people eat it up. While in the ER, I flipped through a copy of Chatelaine (think kind of a Canadian Marie Claire) and I swear to Gord, it seemed every third article was food to help you lose weight, or exercises to help you lose weight, or clothes that will make you look skinnier.  If I didn't have an eating disorder before reading all this drivel, I do now.  Thanks a lot, Chatelaine.

Even articles that were about 'health' had the subtext of "you are probably unhealthy because you are too FAT."  Because we all know, Fat=Unhealthy and everyone's health problems can magically be solved by losing the spare tire, fatass.

Canadian Living was only marginally better.  Theirs had less of an overall emphasis on weight loss, but I still found myself skipping past page after page of diet tips, exercise tips, makeup tips.  In fact, when I went to get that link, the first headline was Can Yoga Help With Weight Loss?

Holy Hannah, people! Is it possible that women may actually have interests beyond how to lose weight?  I know that's what we're all here for on this site, but I know the weight-loss journey doesn't consume my whole life, and I'm willing to bet that all the other ladies here have a life outside of weight loss as well.

So Ladymags, try broadening your horizons a bit.. be a little more accountable to what you're putting out there.

(I was going to put something about how even Cosmo stopped printing dieting tips and of course everyone should hold themselves to a higher standard than Cosmo but when I tried to confirm this by Googling "Did cosmo stop printing diet tips?" I was greeted by a first page of search results consisting of diet tips from Cosmo.  So there's that.)

Getting Healthy at 40

Ain't that the truth? But I'm gonna try!

Well it happened. It finally happened. I turned 40 on Friday as I mentioned last week. I had a truly wonderful day thanks to my husband planning a treasure hunt to my gift, a fantastic dinner at a nice local restaurant that had terrific live jazz and then drinks (only 1 glass of wine for me due to my meds) at The Hyatt (fan-cy!).

Aside from that I received dozens of happy birthday wishes on Facebook and Twitter from friends and family which was really nice and just added to the lovely day. Things like that put a smile on my face and remind me that I have great friends and family, so thank you for that.

Since it was a milestone birthday, I allowed myself the weekend to sort of splurge. I had chocolate cake after dinner on Friday for example. I figured that 40 was a great time to really take charge of my life and start caring about myself more than I had been. I didn't realize that I disliked myself as much as I did until I did some soul searching this weekend. I mean, I have qualities that I like such as a good sense of humor, caring for others and a talent for writing and singing. But I also thought to myself too many times that I am wrinkled and ugly and fat. What a shitty way to perceive yourself right?

Not THAT bad for 40 am I? 

I can't do much about the wrinkles, but I'll apply as much cream as I can to help minimize those damn lines. Ugly? Probably not. I think I associate my being overweight with my being ugly. That's not fair is it? There are lots of people that are overweight that I don't think are unattractive, so why am I so hard on myself? It's ridiculous and I need to work on my perception of myself when I look in the mirror. Fat? Well, that's what I'm here for! Now that I'm 40, no more excuses! I've got to get serious about losing weight. Not because I want to fit in a size 6 or be more beautiful on the outside, but because I want to be healthy.

So I need your help, folks. Help me keep on track by reminding me of this post. Use my own words against me if need be! See, I have a terrible fear of dying ever since a health scare (one of many), so I want to make sure that I am doing everything I can to be healthy. I can't fix my CRPS, carpal tunnel syndrome, arthritis, migraines or blood disorder, but I can fix my blood pressure by losing weight can't I? Maybe one day I'll be able to stop taking blood pressure medications even.

One day that will be me smiling at the number on the scale!

The point of this rambling post is that I want and need to be the healthiest me I can be. I don't want to die before my time, so it's up to me to turn some things around. I'm fortunate to have the gift of writing for this blog and that means I'm held responsible by all of you. I don't want to disappoint you and more than that I don't want to disappoint myself.

Successes... in a way

So I've lost another 2 pounds this month. Which wouldn't be much if I was actively trying to lose weight. However, since I'm preggo and combating the urge for constant tacos, I'm counting that as a success. Especially since I'm about to go to lunch and throw down on a Whopper. With onion rings. I'm excited just thinking about it. 


The nugget progression is good! Other than looking like a Transformer (PROOF) the nugget is doing well and so is mother. Other than the taco thing. I mean really, I'd rather to get tacos than a Whopper today, but I have a coupon for me and my mum to get some BK our way. 


Fruits are my other best friend. I'm all about the watermelon, strawberries, and cantaloupe right now. I can't get enough of them. As soon as I get off today I'm popping down to the produce stand and picking up some more fruits and veggies. This is such a fabulous time of year for veggies. Squash and zucchini make my heart sing. I'm going to load up on them and enjoy the hell out of dinners this week.

The nugget also loves veggies/fruit and that is such a good thing. I'll give my Transformer all the tacos it desires as long as it also demands fruits and veggies. 


On the exercising front... well I haven't been doing much of that. I really need to get my lazy ass outside and walk around my neighborhood. It's a nice temperature in the evenings and even my pug would love it- my husband even offered to walk with me. Truly a shock. 


I still haven't gotten a bathing suit because I'm still afraid to go shopping for one. I managed one failed attempt and I don't relish the idea of another. Boo. 

UPDATED: A Full Week of Activity

I just recounted over the last week, and somehow I've managed, without too much effort, to exercise every day this week. Which is pretty cool, if you ask me. 

On Friday I went for a long walk around my town, about an hour, hour and a half, I'd say.

Saturday, Guy For Whom I Have Not Come Up With A Good Blog Alias™ and I went on a four hour hike through some of the gorgeous wilderness just to the North of us. Living in Canada, especially in cottage country, is great if you like amazing scenery.

Jealous? You're jealous.

Upon returning that evening, I logged all of the time spent hiking into MyFitnessPal and laughed at the fact that the calories burned (according to their system, which i don't think is totally accurate, but a decent ballpark guess) was more than my total daily allotment for the day. Over 1500 for what was probably about 2.5-3 hours walking, all told. 

Sunday I got up and drove to Mount St. Louis for hill-training for the Warrior Dash.

source 

This is the hill we're supposed to run up.

Me?  I walk.

Given I was sore as hell from the previous day, I still managed to get up the hill twice.

Monday I had kickboxing class, and after that I had my first outdoor boot camp. Now, I've mentioned before that in order for me to stick to something it has to be fun. Kickboxing can be hard as hell, but it's loads of fun. Boot camp...? In spite of my instructors efforts, I did not find it fun.

It felt like work. Just work.

 No, that's not true. It felt like high school gym class.

 Hard and frustrating and beyond my capabilities. I'm going to go back next week and try again. Hopefully it will be better this time.

Tonight I have kickboxing again, and tomorrow night marks my first baseball game of the season. Apparently our league has all new team colours. This excites me more than it should.

So yeah, I've accomplished a whole week of exercise.  Just wanted to share that.

UPDATE:  Holy crap, I missed a whole day in there.  YESTERDAY.  Yesterday my friend Tess and I played 50 minutes of Just Dance 2 as part of our bi-weekly Just Dance date.  The game kept picking out the crappier songs last night.  SO MUCH AIR GUITAR.  I was disappointed that it didn't pick last night to play Body Movin'.  RIP MCA.

Thanks a Lot, John Stamos! I'm Almost 40 and Look Like Hell.

Fuck you, 40!

My 40th (Oh. Em. Gee.) birthday is on Friday and I'm not dealing with it very well, folks. I wanted to be a thin, sexy 40 year old woman, not a chunky monkey 40 year old woman with self-esteem issues. Where did it all go wrong? I have some thoughts on the subject that I thought I would share.

1. I got injured and developed CRPS so exercise is almost completely out of the question. Fuck you, nerve disorder! I can blame CRPS for at least part of my fat ass can't I? I mean if I didn't have CRPS I would be able to do yoga like I used to and maybe I would be all svelt and stuff.

2. I <3 food way too much. Y'all if I could roll around in a pool filled with Key Lime Pie filling and eat my way out, I totally would. Then I'd jump into the pool filled with whipped cream. The real kind too, not that Cool Whip shit.

Mmmm...

3. I'm liking this vision of a pool filled with deliciousness. Let's roll with it. How about a pool filled with pancakes! I swear to Cheesus I'd butter myself up from head to toe because you can't have pancakes without gobs of REAL butter, then I'd dive in to my pancake pool. I'd have it set up so that some REAL maple syrup would flow down the slide. God I need this in my life.

Oh yeah. Source: Jason Merritt/Getty Images North America

4.Okay let's focus people. I don't need this in my life at all! What are you people doing to me? Sheesh! This is a weight loss blog hello! I should be talking about a pool filled with Greek yogurt instead of pancakes for fuck's sake. Just so we're clear, if I do get that pool filled with Greek yogurt, I'm also gonna need John Stamos as my pool boy. Got it?

5. Wait. What were we talking about?

6. I love lists.

Gimme some of that yogurt or just John Stamos. Whatever.

7. Where is John Stamos? Like why doesn't he have a TV show anymore? I mean it's not that I watched Full House or anything, but occasionally I'd turn the sound off and stare at the Greek wonder that is Uncle Jesse. And you know what else? I think he looks 10 times better now than he did back then.

8. Why does John Stamos look better than me? He probably works out huh? I wonder how old he is.

9. Holy shit! I just looked it up and he is 48! Now I'm really depressed. He's 8 years older than me and looks 10 years younger than me. Thanks a lot Uncle Jesse! Way to make a girl feel good. I hope you're proud of yourself sir.

10. I think you see now why I'm dreading my 40th birthday. I don't look like John Stamos. Fuck.

Well clearly it's time to take my medication. I don't even understand this post. Wish me luck on my impending 40-ness, kids. I need it.

Addled minds.

Guys, I totally spaced on posting last Friday and I didn't remember until just now. Wow... maybe there is something to this "pregnancy brain" that women keep telling me about. 


So, disregarding the fact that I just threw down on 4 tacos from Taco Bell (2 hard shell, 2 soft shell) and that I'm having homemade stuffing, cream cheese corn, and baked chicken for dinner tonight, I haven't done terribly this week on the food front. 

I feel that I could easily work my way through this. A one girl PAR-TAY!

A lot of that was because I had a cold that pretty much wiped out my appetite the first few days of the week. No worries! I got it back! But I still haven't gained any weight. That's a good thing. Since I'm only supposed to gain 10 to 15 pounds most of that should be in the last weeks of the pregnancy. After all, right now my nugget is merely the size of a lime. That tickles me. A lime! It wasn't so long ago that it was literally a sesame seed!

My nugget.

Also, I went to try on bathing suits the other day. I was not pleased with the results. My mother threw out my old bathing suit that I've used for the past few years because she said she was tired of looking at it. So that means I have to get a new one. I'm a little irked, because that bathing suit was my old reliable. It wasn't much to look at, but it got the job done. Now I'm without a suit, the pool is open, and we're having 90 degree days already. 

I have to get a suit now that I can grow into as the summer progresses. So I figure I need to go a size up at least. When you're already almost to the top of the sizes, there's not too much further you can go. So without spending a FORTUNE at Lane Bryant (which closed in my town, bastards) or going online (just can't trust it without trying on) I'm down to Target and Walmart. Target was a no go. Walmart, I dread. 

Can I just complain for a moment. I know I'm a chunky monkey and all, but all bathing suits for larger women automatically make the assumption that I'm in my 60s or something and apparently we're all in mourning as well, I can't see any other reason they'd all be in shades of black. Bastards. I need to get into bathing suit design. 

If I was a medium I could find an adorable bathing suit for like 20 bucks. AGHH. 

Anyways guys, happy Friday! Enjoy your weekend!

I Tried Listening To My Body But My Body is a Big Fat Liar.

I hopped on the scale yesterday in spite of my decision to break up with the scale and I was not happy with what I say. I was up 6 lbs (from the 180 which was my lowest since getting back on the wagon). In a span of just two weeks, this was too much.

I know I've been indulging too much.. Stupid Lemon Poppyseed muffins! Curse you Tim Hortons, located so conveniently downstairs from work! But it's the snacking at night again. I try to listen to my body and its hunger signals but my head gets in the way and tells me "Don't listen to her! You ARE hungry! No, no.. Not fruit. You want toast.. And butter and peanut butter. And some cheese. Also cookies."

I can tell I haven't been choosing wisely because I am having a harder time with my workouts which tends to be a side effect of not getting all the nutrients I need.

So I opened up my tracker again yesterday and I guess I'm back to keeping track of everything, especially while I'm in training for the Warrior Dash. I did some hill training last weekend and it nearly killed me. Twice up the road that goes up the side of Mount St. louis (a popular ski hill near my home). I laughably started off running, but that didn't last long.

Next week I'll hopefully finally be starting outdoor boot camp, which actually started three weeks ago but stuff keeps coming up. I'll likely post about that experience next week.

Tootles, y'all.