Bit O' Honey

So happy that she's grabbing her face? I don't understand it either folks. source

I'm proud of myself for a change, folks. I did well this past week. I ate salads 4 days out of the week and didn't snack on a bunch of crap I shouldn't be eating. So yay!

Mmm...honey.

I treated myself over the weekend with some ice cream, because I deserved that little treat. In fact, I enjoyed it so much, I'll be writing about my new ambition of becoming an ice cream taster for Ben & Jerry over on my blog today. Ice cream is one of those foods that brings happiness to any situation. It's creamy, it's delicious, it comes in a variety of flavors. What's not to love right? And y'all... you have not lived until you've had the Baklava flavor from Kroger's Private Selection brand. It has honey ice cream. HONEY! There is never a time when honey hasn't made something tastier am I right?

I also had a friend direct me to a pretty cool little site called Slim Kicker. You get points and rewards for finishing the challenges that YOU choose. I highly recommend checking it out. There are challenges of will-power, emotional, physical, etc. You decide and you choose what the reward will be. Like a cheat meal or massage or girl's night out. I like that it offers you more control over how you work the program. I get tired of people telling me what to do, I don't know about you.

source

I don't handle authority well in many situations particularly when it comes to my fat ass. I would fail miserably on a show like The Biggest Loser because they yell at the people a lot and I'd probably yell back something like, "SUCK IT! YELLING AT ME ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ME WORK HARDER, ASSHOLE!" Then they would kick me off the show for being too difficult and I'd go home a chunky, angry chick and nobody wants that.

Cold ='S K.O.

Hello!

I'm quite happy to be able to write this. You see, last week, I got knocked flat on my ass by one of the worst flu's that I've ever had. As a person who likes to be able to do as she pleases whenever she darn well pleases, having a flu is a major affliction.

The good news, however, is that I was able to stick to my diet plan. When you get sick, most folks you may know (or at least the people in my family) want to lovingly heave food in your direction. And that happened this time. Sadly, I wasn't able to taste, smell or enjoy much of anything other than warm soups and water. As a matter of fact, I didn't have much of an appetite.

Did I mention that this nasty little flu kept me in bed for a week? A whole week of not being able to smell or taste anything, or move without feeling dizzy. That sucks.

But I'm feeling much better now. MUCH better. And in even better news, I cancelled my gym membership. While that may not seem like good news, I realized how bored I was going to the gym and running stationary on a treadmill. BLAH. I'd much rather go for a hike or take a bike ride. Which I'm going to start doing again.

And, in one last bit of good news, hubby has decided to start working out with me. His experience as a former personal trainer will be so valuable to me. As a matter of fact, we worked out for half an hour together yesterday, and he kicked my ass. In a good way, but it was a great workout. Much better than at the gym. :-)

All in all, I'm feeling better and ready to sweat (voluntarily).

Bring. It. On.

Until next time!

I've been ignoring the scale..

...pretty much since I last wrote about breaking up with the scale. That was what, two weeks ago? I hopped on the scale this morning and I was up maybe one pound since I last weighed myself, which all in all is not too bad I think. The jeans I recently moved into the "wear" drawer are still fitting.

I've been paying attention to how my body actually looks when I go to my kickboxing class and I think I am still slimming to some extent. I've just been thinking that I'm really not that uncomfortable with the size I am at currently. My reasons stem more from the fact that I had put some of the initial 65 that I had lost back in the day and I am scared shitless of gaining it all back. And that I just kind of want my clothes to fit. That, I am getting closer to. But I feel happier when I'm not constantly thinking about everything I eat.

There are still things I need to do, however.

• Keep active. I can't slack on that shit. The more active I keep, the less I will have to think about food all the damn time.
• Keep cognizant of my reasons for eating. Make sure when I eat it's because I'm hungry, not because I'm bored or sad or pissed off.
• Recognize my hunger signals and recognize when I am full. Let go of the idea that I must clean my plate Every Time.
• Keep trying to make better choices. Don't neglect my fruits and veggies. Meal plan and such. 
• Make sure when I eat it's worth it.. As the line in Ratatouille goes "I don't like food, I love food and if I don't love it, I don't swallow." which essentially means if I'm going to have treats on occasion, make them good treats, not processed crap. 

These are things I can do to make sure I don't fall back into really bad old habits.

But as far as the weighing and the tracking and the self-flagellating every damn time I have a cookie (or a Lemon Poppyseed Muffin from Timmie's... Holy crap, crack in delicious fluffy yellow form) I'm just not sure I can do it anymore.

Back Then I...

Yesterday I had to do a photoshoot and I'm telling you I've never felt so self-conscious in my entire life. It's weird because I used to model and have done shoots in A LOT less clothing and never felt insecure. That was a long time ago my friends. I was a lot skinnier and at least 7 years younger. I look back at those photos sometimes and forget that I have gained all this weight. I don't want to come back to the reality that I'm embarrassed of my body now. I want to go back in time and be that girl that modeled her tattoos and didn't worry about showing her body. In that time I wasn't afflicted with CRPS and arthritis and my hands weren't swollen and twisted in pain. I was beautiful then. Oh how I wish I could slip back into that body I was proud of like a second skin. I would leave my gnarled hands behind along with all the weight I've gained. Oh please can't I go back again? This time I won't fall and break my arm so badly that it develops CRPS. I'll treat my body well and will remember to eat healthy and exercise. This time I'll do what I should do and won't have an illness hold me back. Please?

ACCKKK!

Sometimes I feel like Cathy the comic may be based on my life. In which case I feel that I'm owed lots and lots of royalties. But really, constantly on a diet and yet eating chocolate while strolling on a treadmill isn't likely to give a lady the results she's searching for. However, that's pretty much my diet regimen (not really. I don't have a treadmill, so it's just me eating truffles on my couch wondering why I'm not thin yet).


I keep hearing "you're pregnant! You don't need to worry about dieting! Eat what you want!". Unfortunately, that's not really how it works. You see, since I'm already a Fatty McFatterson I'm not supposed to gain more than 15 pounds. My mother gained 60 with me and I was only 7 lbs 11 oz (7/11 in the hizzay!). So... hopefully I don't take after her.


My morning sickness has pretty much receded entirely now, which is lovely. There's random moments of queasiness, but no heaving. YAY!!


What I'm trying to say is... I ate 5 hard shell tacos from Taco Hell last night. And cinnamon twists. Sure I've been eating Smart Ones for lunch and bananas out the wazoo, but that doesn't mean I can toss tacos down my gullet like it's my job. As much as I'd like too. My mouth is watering just thinking about tacos.


I went to my first baby doctor appoint this past Monday and I've actually lost some weight since my previous doctor's appointment before I knew I was pregnant. So that's good. There were several weeks when I had no interest in food, or when I did have an interest I'd just hurl- so that's a big reason why I've lost weight. I'm just concerned now that the morning sickness and food aversions are gone I'm going to go crazy.


By crazy, I mean eating every night like I did last night.

YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!

Tuesday's Thoughts

Happy Hump Day Eve, y'all.  I'm still dealing with the issue with my cousin, and trying to work through the stress and adjustment of having her stay in my home with my husband and kids.  It's a trial period to see if she's sincere in her efforts to get better and to determine if she's ready to deal with the restrictions and process of earning back trust and privileges.  Also, to decide if Hubs and I can handle such additional responsibility at this time. 

Over the past two weeks I have stressed and worried until my brain was exhausted.  Finally I realized that it is not useful to waste time worrying and dwelling on something that has already happened.  Better to focus on what can be done now to improve the situation and hope for the best.  Now is the time for optimism.  A rare thing in the world today, I know.  Still, we must press on. 

So I leave you with two pieces of advice I've learned over the years.

One:  Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere.

Two (From my Pawpaw):  One day a beautiful fox was running along some railroad tracks, enjoying the day.  He crossed over the tracks just as a train came by and his beautiful tail was chopped off. He was so distraught over losing his tail that he turned back to catch it in his mouth, only to have his head chopped off by the train.  Moral of the story?

Don't lose your head over a good piece of tail.


Y'all have a great day! :)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I'm sorry for my absence last week. I was so naive I really thought I'd have the time during my vacation to write in a post. My cell phone died on Monday and I didn't bother to charge it until I was back home on Sunday. That's how disconnected from everything I was. 


So the past 2 weeks have been fairly good. I actually lost a couple of pounds. This I blame on not being able to keep anything down last week and having no appetite at all this week. 


On my vacation wandering around Salem, Boston, and NYC I realized something about myself. This is something I've always known abstractly, but the point was really driven home last week. 


I am seriously out of shape. I mean, I'm pretty spherical anyways (and no, I'm not close to showing yet). But walking around was a situation for me. Boston was a trial and then by the time I got to NYC a couple of days later my legs still hadn't recovered and I was hobbling around the city like an old lady searching for her hoveround. 


Guys- that's not normal. I know finding various locations to vomit in didn't help matters, but even without that I have got to get my ass into gear and get healthy. All the healthy eating in the world isn't going to make my legs any less tired. I need to make it a priority to walk more. Not only that, but it's a good gentle thing to do for my nugget. 


So even though this goes against everything in my lazy nature, I am going to start a walking program. That sounds official. Really I'll just be wandering around my neighborhood. 

It's time to confess something.

Spring has sprung, and summer is fast approaching. Long thought of as a time of fun and freedom, my summers are a bit different than some other people's.

You see, It's been 10 years since I've gone swimming. So, the last time that I went would be when I was 18 years old.

The question that I'm sure you're asking yourself is "why?" Well, it's a combination of different things, but it's mostly because I don't feel comfortable in bathing suits. Mostly because of how much I weigh. I fear going to be beach (or in my case, the lake) would consist of me hiding under a blanket the entire time because I'm too paranoid about showing any part of myself.

I would seriously reconsider my bad if I had this to wear

I lived in California, one of the most beautiful places in the world with some of the best beaches, and I almost never ran into the ocean and swam just for the hell of it.

I'll always be a California girl.

I'm sure you're also probably thinking "Screw it B! Slap on that swimsuit and go have some fun!" Well, it's not that simple for me. I do not want to be the girl that everyone makes fun of on the beach. I do not want to have pictures taken of me and posted on someone's website somewhere going "HEY SHAMU" or something like that.

Will I ever be fully comfortable enough to slap on a bikini and go swimming again? Only time will tell. But for now, I sit here waiting to lose these pounds and looking at all the pretty swimsuits that I'll never wear.

If that isn't motivation to lose weight, I don't know what is.

Anybody else have any thing that your weight stops you from doing?

Until next time.